MOCKERY

Attention fantasy football league commissioners, fantasy football league managers, fantasy football league flim-flammers and fantasy football managers still hell bent on figuring out the Denver running back situation. Everything youve been lead to believe is just a hologram cause Ive got the rumble on the Denver running back situation. Hey, wet blankets arent allowed in the gin mills I keep tally in, so fill that low ball to the brim with diamonds and bathe them in scotch; this is the official online fantasy football management mock draft for the contraption machine and lame fantasy football league draft parties where youre the only one bent.

Round 3-

21. Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego Chargers- After insulting the host, draft this whippersnapper and moon the crowd. Get them thinking your crazy, lending to the underestimation strategy I discussed last week. Gates will mess with all those sober prom-trotters at your draft party.

22. Marvin Harrison, WR, Indianapolis Colts- Harrison still brings coffee to the table although this old waitress isnt getting by on looks anymore to get his tips, now he has to actually talk to the customer.

23. Willis McGahee, RB, Buffalo Bills- Where am I? Buffalo. Who? This lollygagger had better get a wiggle on and figure out how to get into the end zone. His shenanigans and killjoy tendencies have had me worked up into such lather on certain Sundays that Ive tried shaving my own tongue.

24. Domanick Davis, RB, Houston Texans- Im sick of these fragile running backs waltzing into the fantasy football season like theyre the bees knees. Listen pally, play sixteen games and write something sappy in a card; Mothers Day is coming up.

25. Randy Moss, WR, Oakland Raiders- My old friend and floor flusher Randy Moss. As much as Id like to endorse this fine young man, I need to see him play sixteen games straight.

26. Willie Parker, RB, Pittsburgh Steelers- Parker is the high pillow in Pittsburgh, which means big things for this young whippersnapper. Fantasy football league managers heading into a keeper draft, take note: Fast Willies getaway sticks are always in full gear. I think he just passed me on the freeway.

27. Torry Holt, WR, Los Angeles Rams- Torry Holt is like an old friend. The type that buys you drinks, pats your back, picks you up off the floor, puts you back on your barstool, picks up your hat, dusts it off and puts it back on your head.

28. Hines Ward, WR, Pittsburgh Steelers- Hines Ward is like an old girlfriend. He haunts your dreams. He shows up on television in replays of celebratory poses from big moments in time, Rita Hayworth . . .

29. Santana Moss, WR, Washington Redskins- What the hell happened? O.k. Where am I? Moss. Small guy. Speaking of tiny, when playing risk, the key continent is most often the tiny Australia.

30. Tatum Bell, RB, Denver Broncos- HERES THE SCOOP: That alien Mike Shanahan is so paranoid that the public is going to see which running back is playing with the first team that he has his running backs practicing at an undisclosed location with hologram football players. The running backs you see at Denvers training camps are fakes.

Round 4

31. Reuben Droughns, RB, Cleveland Browns- This occasional lollygagger had plenty of yard sales last year but dont bite when he offers you lemonade and winks at the same time because he isnt spiking your drink, he just has something in his eye.

32. Julius Jones, RB, Dallas Cowboys- Just looking at this should be floor flushers name drives me to drink.

33. Brian Westbrook, RB, Philadelphia Eagles- What the hell is wrong with all of these ridiculously over dressed fantasy football stars showing up in their finest suits at the grocer? I dont buy any of their flashy glad rags as their only trying to divert our attention for they are not who they appear to be.

34. Reggie Wayne, WR, Indianapolis Colts- Be sure to be mixing a drink when you draft Wayne. Slowly turn your head and lock eyes with the competition and say Reggie, slam your cocktail, Wayne, mix another cocktail, and look back at the room that has presumably moved on and continue, in a reckless and loud tone, wide receiver, Indianapolis Colts. This will get them looking at you askance. Tell the draft party to chase itself.

35. Kevin Jones, RB, Detroit Lions- This hayburner couldnt get out of his own house even if he lived on a beach in Mexico in a hut with no door. Send this Detroit runner to the bar and tell him to order some coconut drinks but dont forget the scotch for me.

36. Jeremy Shockey, TE, New York Giants- Shockey is of the opinion that he is the man among mens man manliness. Huh? I dont know. Hes a hell of a tight end but this diva cant help but cast a kitten.

37. Chris Chambers, WR, Miami Dolphins- Heres a floor flusher that actually delivers the goods. Not exactly mentioned with the top-flight receivers, this Miama footballer can ankle with the best of em.

38. Jake Delhomme, QB, Carolina Panthers- Mazuma! When drafting this humdinger youll want to show the middle finger to the people at your fantasy football leagues draft party. After which, immediately step out for a stick and dont come back for twenty minutes. This will confuse everyone.

39. Plaxico Burress, WR, New York Giants- Holy Hannah Rose! My love/hate relationship with this full-time lollygagger, part-time whippersnapper is well documented. For a five game stretch youre going to be yelling attaboy! at everyone you see, the next five games youre going to be heedlessly trying to punch the mailman.

40. Eli Manning, QB, New York Giants- Manning has to exert way too much energy dealing with his diva pass-catchers. If it all comes together, the train ride could be picturesque, Shockey and Burress in their dresses, Manning and Barber in their suits.

Coming Soon . . . rounds 5 and 6.