Choose a relationship you want to improve and the other's specific behavior that bothers you.

The specific behavior on the other's behalf which bothers me and which I would like to analyze here is___________. 1. The emotions that I feel when the other behaves in this way or when I think of him or her behaving in this way are: 2. I feel this way because I have the following beliefs, which make feel that way:

These three first questions are designed to help us determine exactly what the stimulus, emotions and beliefs are which are bothering us. We must be careful that our answer concerning the first question is actually a behavior and not an interpretation of a behavior. That "the other does not love me" is not a behavior, it is an interpretation of some behavior. Those who are not familiar with the fundamentals of self-analysis, in which we learn to determine the stimulus, the emotions and the beliefs, will benefit from reading the book "The Psychology or Happiness".

Now the questionnaire moves forward to determine the possible aspects of our being which might be mirroring, resonating or projecting.

3. Have I ever behaved in this way towards this person or towards others in the past? We are often annoyed by behaviors, which remind us of aspects of our own behavior that we do not accept or see in ourselves. Thus we need to confront it in others in order to have a stimulus to recognize it in ourselves and transform it. In the case that we realize that, yes, in fact, we occasionally behave in this way our lesson could be: a. To discover and transform the beliefs, habits and attachments which cause us to behave in that way. b. To accept that behavior in ourselves.

4. Is there a part of myself which might fear something here? What do I fear here? And why do I fear that? Any behavior which provokes fear in us will obviously be annoying. We might be tempted to create a list of reasons why the other's behavior is unethical, unsociable and not proper, but more often the truth is that it annoys us because we fear that this behavior will have some negative consequences for us or those close to us. We must remember that all negative feelings are born from fear and give this question serious thought, looking behind our anger, hurt, resentment, and jealously for the fear which is likely hiding there. The question goes on and on asking why we fear "that", again until we arrive at the basic fear which causes us to be annoyed by that behavior. The lesson here might be to free ourselves from the beliefs which cause us to fear these behaviors. The root of these fears lie in our past experiences.

Note: Questions 3 and 4 uncover the vast majority of reflections and projections that create our reality. We attract and are annoyed by those behaviors that reflect our own behavior and that which we fear.

5. Is there a part of me that has learned to expect this behavior, which has come to believe that this is the way this person or others will behave? People often behave towards us in ways that reflect our expectations. If we expect rejection or indifference, we will attract them by sympathetic resonance. The others are simply reflecting back to us our own beliefs and expectations. Our lesson in such a case might be to free ourselves from the beliefs which cause us to expect these behaviors, and to adopt new beliefs which lead to more positive expectations.

6. Is there a part of me that believes that, for some reason, I deserve this behavior? If a part of us subconsciously believes that we are not worthy and that we deserve to be treated in this way, then we will naturally attract this behavior. The others may even feel guilty that they are behaving to us in this way, while they are being pushed subconsciously in this direction by our own beliefs about ourselves (Of course they have the free will to overcome our pull in that direction). Also we will perceive - project this reality even when t does not exist. For example we will perceive rejection, failure or danger where they are not. Our lesson here is to learn to accept and love ourselves as we are and realize that we deserve each person's love, acceptance and respect - just as they deserve ours. 7. Is there a part of me that behaves towards my own self in the way that this person behaves to me? We often behave in negative ways towards ourselves, criticizing ourselves, ignoring our needs, putting ourselves down or being ironic with ourselves. Then when others do the same to us, we feel annoyed and hurt. But they are simply reflecting back to us our own behavior towards ourselves, whether they perceive it or not. They do not need to see this behavior in us. These beliefs, attitudes, feelings and behaviors are transmitted subconsciously and silently. Our lesson in such a case would be to learn to respect and cultivate positive behaviors towards ourselves. We need to behave towards ourselves as we would like others to behave towards us. (An interesting version of an age old truth, "to do others as you would like them to do to you".)

8. Is there a part of me which occasionally would like to act or behave in that way but something stops me? We sometimes are annoyed by and criticize behaviors, which subconsciously perhaps we would actually like occasionally to be able to adopt. For example, a person who has difficulty in expressing himself might be annoyed by an overly expressive person. A person, who has difficulty being silent, might feel uncomfortable with a silent type. A person who restrains and suppresses himself, in order to be conscientious regarding responsibilities or rules is likely to feel annoyed by and angry with a person who makes no effort to do so. But, perhaps that person who is rejecting and criticizing would actually like to be free to let go once in a while and not be so "responsible". We are also attracting behaviors that reflect our jealousy, lack of understanding and self-restriction. Our lesson here would be to free ourselves in order to behave in a way which represents our beliefs and values. Also to let others to decide for themselves how they want to behave. Others are not required to live their lives according to our morals, standards or limitations.