A marriage is a completely unique relationship that we humans experience. You virtually become one with another person and share just about everything together. It is a partnership where two people ideally love and respect one another and grow to appreciate and work through differences "till death do you part." What it is not however, is a conflict-free relationship. It is almost certain that your spouse will have annoying habits or do things that irritate you. You will not find a mate that is perfect. None of us are. We must realize this and not expect perfection from our spouse. That causes unrealistic expectations that ultimately lead to disappointment. Just as you don't want your spouse to have unrealistic expectations of you, you do not want to have unrealistic expectations of him. We also must accept that we cannot change or fix our spouses. We can only change our expectations and ourselves. We can look for ways to be a better spouse. And it just may be appreciated and reciprocated. But even if its not, it will make you a better person and improve your relationship when you release your spouse from trying to fix him or change him. Love him and focus not on his imperfections. You married his imperfections and you married his good qualities too. Remember that. Many people go into marriage thinking, "This person or this marriage is going to make me happy." But that is not true, we must find that joy and contentment as individuals and allow our marriage to be the "icing" an added bonus. We must release our spouse from the responsibility of making us happy. It is not their job. Our spouses are not equipped to meet all of our needs. No man or woman is. Sure they can and should meet some of our relationship needs, but marriage is not intended to complete us -- only to compliment us. For me, it is my faith in Christ that completes me and makes me whole. It is common to sometimes forget to give of ourselves in a relationship and forget to be others-centered. In all likelihood, we would see dramatic improvements in marriage (and all relationships) if we had the mindset of "What can I do for my spouse? How can I nurture our relationship?" In a healthy relationship, having this mindset is contagious as well. When your spouse sees you working on meeting his needs and giving of yourself, most likely he will want to reciprocate out of appreciation and love. What is the purpose of marriage then? The purpose of marriage is to love one another, to cherish one another, to encourage one another, to be there for one another in sickness and in health, in the good times and the bad. Sound familiar? Maybe reciting those marriage vows privately or publicly isn't a bad idea. They have meaning and they have power when they are internalized, believed and lived out. And don't forget marriage enables us to have and create the family we dreamed of as little girls. The white picket fence life may be a bit of a fairy tale, but happily-ever after does not have to be. Copyright HBWM.com, Inc. 2006 |
